Tuesday, March 28, 2006

It's called the "No Fun League" for legitimate reason

What's the latest from the NFL owners meetings? Read on...

1. The NFL plans on toughening enforcement on pass rushers who hit quarterbacks below the knees. Hitting the QB below the knees will result in a 15 yard personal foul and the offending defense will be required to play "Pro Bowl Rules." Cincinnatti asked for a retroactive hitting below the knees call against the Steelers, but was denied, and told to get a better backup QB. Other ways of protecting the QB are being considered as well. Defensive linemen will have to count from 1 Mississippi to 5 Mississippi before rushing the QB. A sack will be called if the QB is touched with 2 hands above the waist, is tagged anywhere on the body with one hand and told "You're it," or if the QB yells "Uncle," "No Mas," or "Mommy." The NFL is conferring with flag football league commisioners nationwide for other suggestions. When asked for comment, Deacon Jones just slowly shook his head, mentioned something about "Pink tutus," and walked away...

2. The use of video review will be expanded to include rulings on down-by-contact plays, end-zone celebrations, pass interference, holding, any personal foul, the tuck rule, offsides, illeagal procedure, delay of game, drop kicks, field goals, extra points, and safeties. There can be a booth review of every play after the 2 minute warning. Referees will no longer need to know the rule book inside and out, but will need electronics degrees. The networks have been advised that a 6 hour window per game will now be required. Sunday day games will now start at 9am EST.

3. Expect a severe crack down on end-zone celebrations. Players will no longer be allowed to do prop comic routines, end zone dances choreographed by Paula Abdul, use cheerleaders or their pom poms, breakdance, dramatic readings, heisman poses, popping and locking, the robot, pose downs, sign autographs, have simulated or real sex with the ball, make snow angels, or dunk the ball over the crossbar. (finger roll layups are still in a gray area) Players will be allowed to spike the ball (as long as it's done in a pc way), roll the ball as if in a dice game (a shout out to the gambling populace), and spin the ball while singing "The Dredel Song." The penalty for excess end-zone celebration will be a 15 yard personal foul, 30 yards if called on Terrell Ownens, Chad Johnson, or Joe Horn. Counseling will be provided by the league by requiring the offender to watch Barry Sanders highlight videos, and will be told to, "Act as if you've been there before and will be again." Repeat offenders will be given a stern talking to by geezers who played in the 50's and 60's, and will be told that "Jim Brown never spiked the ball" and "Now get off my lawn, you damn kid!"

4. The NFL is still looking to place a team in Los Angeles by the end of the decade. Los Angeles NFL "Fans" reacted with a collective yawn and then went to the beach. Saints owner Tom Benson volunteered to call moving companies for estimates.


  1. The sad thing is that I'm pretty sure number three is right out of the new rulebook.

    The whole thing ticks me off something royal.

  2. Will there even BE Sunday afternoon games in 2006? In Week One, Opening night is Thursday, there's gonna be a Sunday night game, and ESPN plans a Monday Night DOUBLEHEADER.

    Heaven forbid we play the games before the sun goes down anymore.

  3. I have no problem with them cracking down on endzone celebrations. Call me boring, but what Barry Sanders did was the ultimate endzone celebration if you ask me. Simply find the ref, give him the ball and that is that. I don't need to see a grown man grab a phone, kneel like Buddha or dance with the cheerleaders... that is excessive crap that just pisses me off. A simple spike is fine, but anything else is just a waste of my time.

  4. 1. I'm surprised the rules aren't already tougher on hitting QBs below the knees. Of all the rules changes, this is the one I agree with most.

    2. Some, if not most, NFL games will be maddeningly long next season.

    3. This is just dumb. What's wrong with allowing some personality into the game? I can see penalizing celebrations that are clearly pre-meditated or choreographed. But even that falls into a gray area of judgment. So if you can't truly define it, why try to legislate it?

    4. NFL owners are the only people who care about the NFL in LA, right?