Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The first day of QB school, or why the Lions signed Jon Kitna and Josh McCown

(DO NOT read this post if you are easily offended. Extremely NSFW language ahead. Please remember, this is satire! You have been warned...*)

Rod Marinelli: I am Rod Marinelli, your head coach and worst nightmare. From now on you quarterbacks will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir. Do you maggots understand that?

Joey Harrington, Dan Orlovsky, Shaun King: Sir, yes sir!

Marinelli: What's your name, rag arm?

King: Sir, Shaun King sir!

Marinelli: King? King of what? England? The world? Pain?

King: Sir, no sir!

Marinelli: That name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty, rag arm?

King: Sir, no sir!

Marinelli: Do you suck dicks?

King: What? SIR, NO SIR!

Marinelli: Bullshit. I bet you could suck a football through a garden hose.

King: SIR, NO SIR!

Marinelli: I don't like the name Shaun, only Bears and Buccaneers are called Shaun. From now on you're "Waiver Wire."

Marinelli: What's your name, thrid stringer?

Orlovsky: Sir, Dan Orlovsky, sir!

Marinelli: Bullshit! From now on your name is "NFL Europe." Do you like your new name?

Orlovsky: Sir, yes sir!

Marinelli: Where are you from, "NFL Europe?"

Orlovsky: Sir, UCONN, sir!

Marinelli: Holy dog shit, UCONN? Only lawyers and liberals come from UCONN! And you don't look much like a lawyer to me, so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?

Orlovsky: SIR, NO SIR!

Marinelli: I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister!

Orlovsky: Sir, yes sir!

Marinelli: Outstanding!

Marinelli: Today... is the first day of QB school! Your days of finger-banging ol' Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! Coordinator Martz will tell you about how the Lions will conquer the NFC North with the aid of Matt Millen! Millen has a hard-on for the Lions because we destroy everyone we play! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep the waiver wire packed with fresh souls! Millen was here before the Lions! So you can give your heart to William Clay Ford, but your ass belongs to Millen! Do you ladies understand?

Orlovsky, King: Sir, yes sir!

Harrington: I don't wanna, and you can't make me.

Marinelli: You little scumbag! I got your name, I got your number, I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will not fumble, you will not throw picks, you will learn the playbook by the numbers Martz will teach you. Now get up, get on your feet! You had best un-fuck yourself or I will unscrew your head, Harrington, and shit down your neck!

Harrington: I said, I don't wanna, and you can't make me.

Marenilli: Oh that's right, Harrington, don't make any fucking effort to get to the top of the QB class. If Millen would have wanted you in the Pro Bowl, he would have miracled your ass to Hawaii by now, wouldn't he?

Harrington: I hate everyone, and everyone hates me.

Marinelli: Do you feel dizzy? Do you feel faint! Jesus H. Christ! I think you've got a hard-on!

Harrington: You heard me, I hate everyone, and everyone hates me. And I don't have a hard-on!

Marinelli: Were you born a spoiled, slimy, scumbag, puke piece of shit quarterback Harrington, or did you have to work on it with Tedford?

Harrington: Don't believe what Siragusa says!

Marinelli: Do you think I'm cute Harrington? Do you think I'm funny?

Harrington: Uh, nooooo...

Marinelli: Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face.

Harrington: What? I'm NOT smiling!

Marinelli: Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!

Harrington: I said...

Marinelli: Harrington, I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!

Harrington: You'll what fuck me?

Marinelli: ONE! TWO! THREE!

Harrington: But I'm Joey Harrington! I was a top 3 pick!

Marinelli: Harrington, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me touchdowns, or I will definitely fuck you up.

Harrington: Shitting touchdowns?

Marinelli: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn't Moronwheg and Mooch show you enough attention?

Harrington: Did you say, "Fuck me up?" But I'm Joe...

Marinelli: Harrington, you Goddamn communist heathen, you had best sound off that you love Millen, or I'm gonna stomp your guts out!

Harrington: But...But...I'm "Billy Badass!"

Marinelli: "Billy Badass" my ass! Do I make you nervous?

Harrington: Huh?

Marinelli: Huh what? Were you about to call me an asshole?

Harrington: N-N-N-Noooo...

Marinelli: Why you little maggot, you make me want to vomit!

Harrington: I wanna talk to Jeff Tedford...

Marinelli: I'll bet you're the kind of quarterback that would fuck your center in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.

Harrington: I wanna go home to Oregon.

Marinelli: Harrington, are you quitting on me!? Well, are you!? Then quit, you slimy fucking strawberries and champange piece of shit quarterback. Get the fuck out of QB school. Get the fuck out of Detroit! Get the fuck out of Michigan! Now. Move it. I'm going to rip your balls off Harrington, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the NFL. I will motivate you Harrington, if it short-dicks every Lions fan in Detroit.

Harrington: I want my release! Today! Talk to my agent!

Marinelli: Harrington has dishonored himself, and dishonored his team. I have tried to help Harrington. I have failed.

Matt Millen: Drill serg...Uh...Coach Marinell! Coach Marinelli! I just signed Jon Kitna! And McCown is going to sign too!


*My apologies to Stanley Kubrick


  1. f**king hilarious!

    Laughed a few times out loud.

    (Also, liked your piece on the Tigers. Hope you follow up with the Pitching).


  2. Thanks JG!

    I plan on a Tiger pitching post, but i'm waiting to see what the final staff looks like. Middle relief and the 5th starter are still up in the air. When Leyland settles on a rotation, I'll give my thoughts in part 2...

  3. Horrible post, you just lost me as a reader.

  4. Sorry to hear that. A post like this one doesn't leave people lukewarm, they either love 'em (like JG, who has linked to it) or hate them. (Like yourself)

    I'm sorry it wasn't your cup of tea, and hope you do continue to read. Take everything you read here with a large grain of salt. But you have to admit, it was kinda funny...

    I appreciate your patronage...

    Big Al

  5. Big Al, why do I get the feeling that you've been watching a certain movie at least once a week since Sgt. Marinelli was hired?

  6. Ian,

    You're right, I've been watching "The Sound of Music" every weekend...

  7. These anonymous readers can be the toughest bunch of critics ¿?¿?

    One of my favorite parts was Harrington saying but..but..i'm "Billy Badass"

    I love hearing that audio clip on the radio, haha.