Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Medicine addled thoughts about Super Bowl weekend

Is there ANYTHING worse than being hung over and having the flu...at the same time? That was my status as of yesterday morning. Trust me, it's not cool, not cool at all. I'm now over the booze flu but still trying to fight off the real flu. I currently feel like Chuck Wepner at the end of his fight with Muhammed Ali. I'm still standing but I look and feel like Hell... I'm just not bleeding as much.

I might as well give my thoughts on the most important part of the Super Bowl. The ads...

The commercials that went over the best with those I was drinking with were...
1. The Bud Lite "Magic Fridge." We've all prayed to the beer Gods at one time or another. Unfortunately, they answered me on Sunday...
2. Nextel phone as a crime deterrent. Who hasn't wanted to chuck their phone at someone's noggin? People getting hurt = Hearty laughter.
3. The Fed Ex Neanderthals. Cavemen getting stepped on = High comedy!
4. MacGyver! All the women in attendance LOVED MacGyver!
5. Ameriquest, "Yeah, that killed him." Dead people = 10 on the humor scale.

Commercial that made everyone go "HUH?" The Burger King Whopperettes. It was very comparable to last years Hootie sings to the tune of "Big Rock Bandy Mountain" ads for the King. You had to be a fan of Busby Berkley films to truly get it. Consideirng I was with a beer and nacho crowd, there were a lot of blank stares. But that may have been the beer kicking in...

Commercial that caused the women to go "Awwww." The Clydesdale foal pulling the beer wagon with the help of the big guys. Women love baby animals, even if they are shilling for Bud.

Commercial that made the men say "Enough!" The Gillette Fusion. Five blades? Odds are that I'll cut open my jugular vein rather than get a closer shave. You know why I'm broke today? It's not from the gambling on Sunday. It's from buying a package of F'n razor blades...

As for the game?

It was as anti-climatic as most Super Bowls. Not well played, iffy coaching decisions, bad refereeing, strange clock management, just like the rest of the playoffs. I can think of only one compelling game all post season, the Pittsburgh - Indy game. The Super Bowl was a bland topping on a bad tasting post season.

Have you ever seen worse late game clock management than Mike Holmgren's? OK, worse clock management from someone other than Holmgren or a Lion head coach? I didn't think so. We (Being those at the party I attended) were pretty beer addled, and even we realized that the Seahawks showed as much late game urgency as a Steve Mariucci coached Lions team. Not surprising, considering Mooch being a Holmgren protege.

Would you like to know why I'm so bitter? It's not just because I'm sick. Holmgren's horrific clock management cost me any chance of making a back door cover. Stupid me, taking the Seahawks to cover the spread... I blame the onset of the flu for my lack of good judgement.

Jerramy Stevens will be forever known as a Super Bowl choke artist. Jackie Smith, Neil O'Donnell, and the Minnesota Vikings now have company.

Did you know that Jerome Bettis retired? Just checking. And with that note...I'm happy to announce that The Wayne Fontes Experience is now a "Jerome Bettis-free zone."

If Ben Roethlisberger scored on that so-called touchdown run, then the Lions should have beat both Tampa Bay and Green Bay. It's time for the NFL to make some tough decisions in regard to officiating. If every other major league sport can afford full time officiating crews, why can't the NFL? The NFL has more money and influence than God. There is no legitimate reason there shouldn't be full time officials on the field and in the replay booth. No reason at all.

I have breaking news! This just in. Mike Martz is still not, I repeat, NOT, the Lions offensive coordinator.

After listening to John Madden drone on during the game, it's become apparant that he's become the Jack Handey of color men. Madden no longer makes any logical sense. At least Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts" are funny. Madden hasn't had any "Deep Thoughts" since 1993. Madden should just hop in his Maddencruiser and just drive into the sunset, never to be heard from again. Save for the occasional "Tough actin' Tinactin" ad...

The Rolling Stones have a HUGE catalog of great tunes to pick from. Yet they began with "Start Me Up" and finished with "Satisfaction?" Two totally overexposed songs? that's when I finally accepted that the Stones are no longer the Stones I grew up loving. They are nothing more than money grubbing, oldies playing used-to-bes. Would the Mick Jagger of 25 years ago allowed the NFL to censor them? Enough said.

After all is said and done, about all you can say about the Super Bowl coming to Detroit experience is to compare it to having a big wedding. (I speak from experience) I'm thrilled to have done it, but I never want to go through it again. At least for another 20 years, anyway...

1 comment:

  1. I got no problems with the Rolling Stones starting with "Start Me Up."

    I do have a problem with them being so old though.