Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Ramon Santiago or The Black Hole of Suck, TWFE makes the call

Another of the roster battles that has the Detroit Tigers fanbase on edge is the competition for the last position player spot on the bench. Just who will be the 25th man?

Their responsibilities aren't exactly overwhelming. This is a player who will rarely see the field, save for late inning garbage time, pinch running, a pinch hitter of last resort, or (God forbid) injury.

Lets take a closer look at that the position battle that is...

Ramon Santiago


He who will not be named, aka The Black Hole of Suck

Santiago: Can play 3rd, short, and 2nd, all fairly well.
TBHoS: Sucks at all 3.
Winner: Santiago, as his suckitude is only at the plate, not on the field.

Santiago: Good bat control, making him a skilled bunter, but only hit .225.
TBHoS: Sucks so hard, TBHoS is the basis for a stat indexing ballplayers by how much better off a team is when they are not on the field, the "Neifi Index."
Winner: Considering that both will flirt all season with the "Mendoza Line," there are no winners here, but the Tigers do lose.

Santiago: Happy to just be on a major league roster, won't bitch about a lack of playing time.
TBHoS: Sucks so badly, he should be nowhere near a major league roster.
Winner: Tigers again lose, fans hope that the closest TBHoS is to Detroit is Toledo.

Santiago: Was traded by the Tigers, along with the other Juan Gonzalez, to Seattle for Carlos Guillen, in one of the most lopsided deals in MLB history. The Tigers then reacquired Santiago once Seattle cut him.
TBHoS: Sucks so badly, that the fanbase of every team TBHoS has played for in the past have heartily celebrated his moving on.
Winner: Santiago, as he was essentially traded for himself. If TBHoS was traded for himself, would the immense of amount of suckage cause the world to collapse inside a back hole of pure suck? We should all pray that we never find out.

Santiago: Hits for a low average, with no power.
TBHoS: Sucks to the point that he doesn't hit, period.
Winner: Tigers lose, fans pray to the Baseball Gods that Carlos Guillen's knee, Placido Polanco's shoulder, and Omar Infante's elbow stay healthy.

Santiago: Only 27 years old, young enough to think that there is still some upside.
TBHoS: An old 33, so he will continue to suck, and odds are TBHoS will suck even worse as he ages.
Winner: Santiago in a landslide, as youth trumps suck.

Santiago: Makes an affordable $500K this season.
TBHoS: The Cubbies signed TBHoS to an awful contract worth an unfathomable 2.5 million per year. Guaranteed. The last year of which the Tigers are now stuck for, which sucks, HARD.
Winner: Santiago, as 500K is a drop in the payroll bucket. That 2.5 million may be just enough to keep TBHoS on the opening day roster. Tigers fan lose. And weep...

The final tally: Does it really make a difference?

Thus, by using my own eyes, my biases, and a very unscientific method, TWFE shakily endorses anyone but The Black Hole of Suck to be the 25th man on the Detroit Tigers opening day roster. If that means Ramon Santiago, I can live with it...

1 comment:

  1. If "living with it" is the best that you can do, then it makes me wonder if I should endorse Nei.... nope, sorry, can't do it. Can't say the name. Can't even pretend I want him on the team.

    If you are picking a guy to be the 25th on the roster, don't you want someone who is versatile in the field? If you wanted another bat on the bench, you would find another Gary Sheffield type for that, right?

    So why all the drama? Why you got to pick on Ramone? He didn't do anything to you....he plays MLB and gets $500k to do it. You just write about it.....