Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Things LESS painful than the Detroit Tigers' 7 game losing streak

Just how painful has the Tigers' start to the 2008 season been? More painful than the following life events...

Big Al's Personal Levels of PAIN

Level 1: A one hop ground ball drilling me in the mouth while playing 1st base in Babe Ruth league. (I was still better with the glove and feet at 1st than Carlos Guillen though! I knew enough TO NOT STRADDLE THE FUCKING BASELINE!)

Level 2: Being on the receiving end of an elbow to the jaw while rebounding a missed shot in high school. (Inside my rattled brain, it sounded like a baseball bat hitting a ripe watermelon. Talk about seeing stars. I saw the fucking Crab Nebula!)

Level 3: Swinging shut a large safe door on my hand back in my retail management days. (Folks, that HURT! My employees said they heard my bellowing all the way at the front of the store.)

Level 4: Badly burning my forearm with a blazing hot heat gun during those same retail days. (It was sheer stupidity on my part. I still have the scar to remind me of that stupidity!)

Level 5: Suffering a concussion, 2 black eyes and a broken nose from hitting the windshield in a car accident. (I was young, dumb. stupid, incredibly lucky and not wearing a seat belt, which explains the young, dumb, stupid and incredibly lucky part.)

Level 6: Seeing "goatse" for the first time. (If you don't know what this is, I'd suggest you DO NOT Google it! For those that have, you have my sympathies.)

Level 6.25: Seeing "tub girl" for the first time. (Ditto! You'll need to bleach your eyes.)

Level 6.5: Discovering rotten.com for the first time. (Again, ditto! It's one of those painful "Welcome to the internet" kind of things, along with late, and not lamented, ogrish.com. You'll see images you'll want to forget, but can't.)

Level 6.75: Seeing "2 girls, 1 cup" for the 1st time. (Double ditto! Much like the burn on my arm, I'm internally scarred for life.)

Level 7: Rasheed Wallace leaving Robert Horry WIDE OPEN in the last seconds of OT in game 5 of the '05 NBA Finals. (God damn it, 'Sheed! What in the HELL were you thinking?! The Pistons should have won back to back titles.)

Level 8: Having both of my impacted wisdom teeth removed in the same operation. (Not cool, not cool at all!)

Level 9: Being a life-long fan of the Detroit Lions. (Needs no explanation. All Lions fans are masochists at heart.)

Level 10: Rupturing a disk in my back. (This is an epic, life changing, take your breath away, wouldn't wish on my worst enemy sort of pain. Compare it to being stabbed with a hot butter knife over and over and over, from your lower back, all the way down your leg, while being unable to straighten yourself up. Nothing, I repeat, nothing, is worse than severe back pain. It's the worst physical pain I ever suffered through.)

Level 11: The surgery to remove the ruptured disk. (Because it was done in the mid-80's, when they had to slice you open, and root around. I was in bed for 4 months.)

Level 12: My divorce. (You can suffer almost nothing more deeply, personally painful than seeing your marriage go up in flames.)

The top phase of immense pain, the not so lucky level 13: The Tigers' current start to the '08 season. (They're killing me! Just killing me, I tell you! I feel helpless and full of rage! I want to break things, curse like a sailor, and kick ass from Boston all the way back to Detroit!)

Am I being slightly facetious? More than a little over the top? OK, maybe I am. Yet I must say, it was oddly cathartic!

I'm confident in saying the Tigers are quickly crossing a line from me being bummed and frustrated to being painfully pissed off would be correct. You have to agree watching the Tigers sleepwalk through the first 7 games of the season is depressing, painful, and damn distressing to watch.

It's high, real high, damn high, on the pain list.

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